redneckgaijin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
redneckgaijin) wrote2010-01-11 11:50 pm
redneckgaijin) wrote2010-01-11 11:50 pm
It's not a cosmic tick; it's a whetstone sharpening the scythe.
Tomorrow, when I awake, I will be 36.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately.
Twenty years ago, I'd expected that by this time I would have met someone, married, and had one or two kids (two being my preferred limit.)
Instead I'm single with absolutely no prospects for even a date, much less a marriage. I'm fat, bald, poor, have weak social skills, have peculiar and impossible (and annoying to many females) sexual kinks, and live way the hell out in the boondocks where everyone is fundie, conservative, at least half ignorant, and related by blood to me fourth cousin or closer.
(I'm really not exaggerating on that last part; my father was the first in generations to marry outside the local gene pool.)
And although it is remotely possible that I can remedy the money thing, most of the rest of my situation is not likely to improve. I am as attractive now as I am ever going to get. Nothing short of hair transplants is going to put hair back on my head. I'm trying (with little success thus far) to shed some weight.
But my biggest obstacle is my living circumstances.
I'm living with my grandmother because, eleven years ago, my father was living here when he died. His last wish was that I stay and watch over her. This is logical- she would NOT do well in a nursing home (and we have no money for one anyway), and of her children and grandchildren I had (and have) the least to give up to do the job. And considering what I've seen in the time since, I definitely do NOT want her by herself for any great length of time. She's not crippled or senile, but she's weak, stubborn, forgetful and sometimes careless.
Could I move out? At this point... if I waited until summer and the good convention season, yes. Barely. If I found a couple of roommates. But nobody else in the family is prepared or inclined to move IN to replace me.
So- here I stay.
But it bugs me to consider that I am no longer, by any sensible definition of the term, young. I need to be planning for retirement- which, for poor people like myself, really means children.
I don't have any, don't have any prospects for having any, and come from a generation in which children are regarded more as an annoyance and burden than an obligation, a treasure, or a safety-net. (No, not everyone my age is like that- but I know quite a few firm child-free people.)
And dating from here? Expensive, in gas if nothing else. I'd pretty much have to drive to Houston (2 hrs. one-way), Dallas or Austin (each about 5 hrs.) to find someone with enough common interests to be workable. I don't really know where to go looking- I loathe clubs and bars, for one thing. And as far as what I shall call post-date recreation... has to be at her place, and OH WHAT FUN it will be to explain to Ms. Prospective that my grandmother, whom I take care of, won't allow her in the house until and unless we marry. In a church. And she picks the pastor.
My mother- who I see about twice a year, even though she lives only half an hour away- has a grandchild now. My half-brother, who is fifteen years younger than me, had a daughter year before last. He, his wife and daughter all live with Mom, and so far as Mom lets me know they're getting on famously.
The fact that he's got a family (if not money enough to move out) bothers me a lot. It feels like I've done something very, very wrong for the past sixteen years. Probably I have; even when I have money, I'm very much a homebody at heart.
But right now, if something happens to me that doesn't take me out at once... there really is nobody to take care of me.
There's nobody who, when I get old, decrepit, and impossible to be around (well, impossible-er), will be there to do what I'm doing now for my grandmother.
There are times, and they're frequent, when I feel desperately lonely... and I feel that whatever time I ever had for fixing that is either running out, or has already expired.
Unfortunately, the most obvious remedy- get the hell out of this house and move someplace civilized- is not an option. Someone has to be here, and if not me, who? (I need to get the Latin for If not me, who? and put it on a coat of arms or something.)
There is one option, I guess, for meeting people- conventions. I haven't played the hook-up game at cons; it's almost always a business trip, I almost never stay at the con hotel, and to be blunt I've always been horrible at first impressions with women. I suppose I'd better start learning, though- I really don't see many other feasible options, at least none that don't involve someone dying who I'd prefer to outlive the sun were it possible.
So... got dating tips for someone stuck out in the boonies, with a holy-roller grandmother to work around, with minimal cash and sub-par talent for the social scene?
Because believe me, right now I'm willing to listen.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately.
Twenty years ago, I'd expected that by this time I would have met someone, married, and had one or two kids (two being my preferred limit.)
Instead I'm single with absolutely no prospects for even a date, much less a marriage. I'm fat, bald, poor, have weak social skills, have peculiar and impossible (and annoying to many females) sexual kinks, and live way the hell out in the boondocks where everyone is fundie, conservative, at least half ignorant, and related by blood to me fourth cousin or closer.
(I'm really not exaggerating on that last part; my father was the first in generations to marry outside the local gene pool.)
And although it is remotely possible that I can remedy the money thing, most of the rest of my situation is not likely to improve. I am as attractive now as I am ever going to get. Nothing short of hair transplants is going to put hair back on my head. I'm trying (with little success thus far) to shed some weight.
But my biggest obstacle is my living circumstances.
I'm living with my grandmother because, eleven years ago, my father was living here when he died. His last wish was that I stay and watch over her. This is logical- she would NOT do well in a nursing home (and we have no money for one anyway), and of her children and grandchildren I had (and have) the least to give up to do the job. And considering what I've seen in the time since, I definitely do NOT want her by herself for any great length of time. She's not crippled or senile, but she's weak, stubborn, forgetful and sometimes careless.
Could I move out? At this point... if I waited until summer and the good convention season, yes. Barely. If I found a couple of roommates. But nobody else in the family is prepared or inclined to move IN to replace me.
So- here I stay.
But it bugs me to consider that I am no longer, by any sensible definition of the term, young. I need to be planning for retirement- which, for poor people like myself, really means children.
I don't have any, don't have any prospects for having any, and come from a generation in which children are regarded more as an annoyance and burden than an obligation, a treasure, or a safety-net. (No, not everyone my age is like that- but I know quite a few firm child-free people.)
And dating from here? Expensive, in gas if nothing else. I'd pretty much have to drive to Houston (2 hrs. one-way), Dallas or Austin (each about 5 hrs.) to find someone with enough common interests to be workable. I don't really know where to go looking- I loathe clubs and bars, for one thing. And as far as what I shall call post-date recreation... has to be at her place, and OH WHAT FUN it will be to explain to Ms. Prospective that my grandmother, whom I take care of, won't allow her in the house until and unless we marry. In a church. And she picks the pastor.
My mother- who I see about twice a year, even though she lives only half an hour away- has a grandchild now. My half-brother, who is fifteen years younger than me, had a daughter year before last. He, his wife and daughter all live with Mom, and so far as Mom lets me know they're getting on famously.
The fact that he's got a family (if not money enough to move out) bothers me a lot. It feels like I've done something very, very wrong for the past sixteen years. Probably I have; even when I have money, I'm very much a homebody at heart.
But right now, if something happens to me that doesn't take me out at once... there really is nobody to take care of me.
There's nobody who, when I get old, decrepit, and impossible to be around (well, impossible-er), will be there to do what I'm doing now for my grandmother.
There are times, and they're frequent, when I feel desperately lonely... and I feel that whatever time I ever had for fixing that is either running out, or has already expired.
Unfortunately, the most obvious remedy- get the hell out of this house and move someplace civilized- is not an option. Someone has to be here, and if not me, who? (I need to get the Latin for If not me, who? and put it on a coat of arms or something.)
There is one option, I guess, for meeting people- conventions. I haven't played the hook-up game at cons; it's almost always a business trip, I almost never stay at the con hotel, and to be blunt I've always been horrible at first impressions with women. I suppose I'd better start learning, though- I really don't see many other feasible options, at least none that don't involve someone dying who I'd prefer to outlive the sun were it possible.
So... got dating tips for someone stuck out in the boonies, with a holy-roller grandmother to work around, with minimal cash and sub-par talent for the social scene?
Because believe me, right now I'm willing to listen.
no subject
Nisi ego, quis?
no subject
published artist
articulate writer
stable home situation
family-oriented
frequent, short-duration traveler
established fanbase
Your most likely lady friend is a widowed or divorced con-going mother of one or two, about 25-40 with an appreciative eye for figure art and bedroom farce, and maybe a bit insecure about her breasts being too big. Bonus points if she has a "good" reason for not remarrying like an abusive ex or special needs dependents of her own, and/or a history with a fundie denomination so they can relate to your grandma but disagree without being dismissive.
This may sound like a tall order, but I've managed to hookup with two women like this here in the tremendous metroplex of Texarkana.
no subject
no subject
Relying on a sense of family obligation is useful only in so far as that obligation goes both ways, and you appear to be saying here that, despite your having willingly sacrificed your own life on that altar, they are NOT going to feel any corresponding obligation to you if you become disabled, or once your grandmother dies. That, in effect, they see you as slave labor and disposable.
I think