Give Us the Stupor bowl

Well, we go into yet another college football bowl season with very few people happy about how the NCAA crowns its annual championship. Personally, I'm upset because my alma mater, the University of Texas, isn't going to get a second crack at Oklahoma, nor is it going to even get a New Year's Day bowl berth despite going 10-2 in its season. For that you can blame the Kansas State Wildcats, who lost to Texas but utterly humiliated Oklahoma in the Big 12 title game, claiming the automatic berth in the BCS bowls, bumping Oklahoma into an at-large berth, and bumping Texas right out of the whole mess.

But that's not what I want to talk about today.

Despite a few old rivalries- UT-Oklahoma, UT-TA&M, Alabama-Clemson, UCLA-USC, Army-Navy, and Notre Dame-Everybody Else, for example- most collegiate football consists of a high-enrollment, high-money, strong-program school beating up smaller, more academic, less athletic schools. These games are boring as hell to watch. "Oh, look, another kickoff returned for a touchdown. Oh, they made a two-point conversion? You don't say." There are faucet drips more exciting than the vast majority of collegiate football games.

So why do people watch? Well, some people watch just to demonstrate their support for their old school, or their kids' current school, or the school that isn't the school of that asshole across the street who borrowed your snowblower last January and you haven't seen it since and a blizzard's coming in tonight. Some others watch because, quite frankly, if you could train eleven rats to run a Statue of Liberty and eleven others to run a seven-rat blitz on the quarterback, they'd watch it.

But in my opinion, most people watch college sports not because their kids are on the team, not because they graduated from that school, and not because they worship football- because they don't, they don't, and they don't.

They watch to see the next screwup.

The greatest source of entertainment in college football is watching a spectacular blunder. You -know- that Enormous State University is going to run over Pocket Protector Tech and turn them into mulch for the groundskeeper. What you don't know is where PPT is going to throw the interception, fumble the snap, give up a blocked extra point, or allow the other college's band to block for the guy running for an end-of-half touchdown. You don't want to wait for the evening news to catch ten seconds on the sportscast, or hope that ESPN picks your favorite moment for its lowlights reel; you want to see it as it happens, in all its alumnus-groaning, coach-firing glory. Athletic humiliation is best savored when it's live.

With this in mind, let us turn our thoughts to the Black Knights of the Hudson, the cadets of West Point, the team from Army. This year, for the first time in the history of military football, the Army team went the whole season without a single win, going 0-13 and finishing with a humiliating loss to old rival Navy. Right now the Pentagon is divided between snickering admirals and bitter generals, generals who agonize over how Army could have won if they'd just had one more game.

So why not give it to them?

I propose a special exception to the NCAA rule that requires a team to win six games against Division I-A opponents to become bowl eligible. Put the two worst, absolute worst, the stinkiest teams in big-school ball into a game that would run right before the championship game, to warm us up and loosen us up for the real action.

Sports fans, I give you the Stupor Bowl.

At 0-13, beyond all doubt, Army would be one of the two teams present at the Stupor Bowl, tripping over their mascot running out of the fieldhouse onto Outstendingenner Field. But who would be a worthy opponent for them? What team would give Army its faint, forlorn hope for a face-saving victory? Let's have a look at the only other perfectly unvictorious teams in college football: the shame of the Western Athletic Conference, Southern Methodist University.

Once upon a time, back when the Southwest Conference roamed the Earth, SMU was a major football power. Then the NCAA decided that no, rich idiots in Dallas could not be allowed to buy their children conference and NCAA championships, and SMU went for four years without any football team at all. They've never recovered from this blow, and the rich idiots in Dallas have had to settle for buying their children MBAs and corporate vice-presidencies instead.

This year, however, SMU has truly outdone itself. Of course, anybody could lose against dangerous opposition such as Oklahoma State or Texas Tech, both of whom are bowl bound (or would be, if Texas Tech would deign to accept a bowl bid). And losing to Boise State, who put up an 11-1 record by sweeping the weak WAC, is also no shame. But Texas Christian used to be SMU's favorite punching bag, and this year TCU went 11-1 and gave the BCS people a scare before falling to Southern Mississippi. Rice University came down from their ivory silo and administered a major butt-whipping, going on to a 5-7 season (which, by Rice math, is a winning year).

And then there's the truly embarrassing losses. Baylor University, the 3-9 punching bag of the Big 12, squeaked out a 10-7 win againt SMU. The even more hapless 3-9 Spartans of San Jose State ground the Mustangs into the turf, 31-14. But worst, most humiliating of all, the University of Texas at El Paso scored its ONLY Division I-A win of the year (Sam Houston State is I-AA and thus doesn't count) by squeaking past you 21-19. Losing to the UTEP Miners is the capping, irredeemable shame; SMU, you have truly earned a spot in the Stupor Bowl.

So, let's set the stage: the only college football game ever aired on Comedy Central, SMU versus Army, for one last chance to not be the loser of the entire nation. Who would win this laugher- besides the viewers, who could groan and mock to their hearts' content?

Let's look first at the point stats. SMU, in twelve outings, scored an accumulated 134 points, as opposed to a whopping 386 points given up to their opponents. Army has had an extra game to blunder through, put up 200 points against an astouding 476 allowed. SMU's points ratio of .347 is worse than Army's .420, but Army suffered two complete shutouts, a humiliation SMU managed to stave off.

On offensive numbers, SMU falls short in total yardage gained- 3130 for SMU against 3526 for Army- but again, Army had that extra game to stretch out those numbers. Army far out-passed SMU, but the Mustangs hold a dominating 2:1 advantage on ground yardage. Again, all in all, the two teams appear close to equal.

So let's go to the one stat (besides the score) which every sports pundit agrees is decisive- turnovers. SMU coughed up the ball on fifteen interceptions and twelve fumbles, averaging two turnovers per game. Army, on the other hand, gave up twenty-five interceptions and nineteen fumbles, averaging a woeful three turnovers per game. (To give you a benchmark, here are some top schools' numbers: Oklahoma 9/6 avg. 1, Kansas State 16/13 avg. 2, USC 10//12 avg. 2 , LSU 13/12 avg. 2 , Michigan 9/9 avg. 1.5, Ohio State 11/11 avg. 2, and my own Texas 9/18 avg. 3.)

With the offenses evenly balanced, it's turnovers which will tell the tale, and after sixty game clock minutes of tripping over their own teammates, snapping the ball through the quarterback's hands, and coughing up some spectacular fumbles, SMU would win out over the Black Knights, 21-17.

It's too bad there isn't a real Stupor Bowl, Army. Think of it; you're being denied your chance to do what no college team in the history of the game has ever done- go 0-14.

But then, you're the first to go 0-13; maybe that's good enough for you.

Give Us the Stupor bowl

Well, we go into yet another college football bowl season with very few people happy about how the NCAA crowns its annual championship. Personally, I'm upset because my alma mater, the University of Texas, isn't going to get a second crack at Oklahoma, nor is it going to even get a New Year's Day bowl berth despite going 10-2 in its season. For that you can blame the Kansas State Wildcats, who lost to Texas but utterly humiliated Oklahoma in the Big 12 title game, claiming the automatic berth in the BCS bowls, bumping Oklahoma into an at-large berth, and bumping Texas right out of the whole mess.

But that's not what I want to talk about today.

Despite a few old rivalries- UT-Oklahoma, UT-TA&M, Alabama-Clemson, UCLA-USC, Army-Navy, and Notre Dame-Everybody Else, for example- most collegiate football consists of a high-enrollment, high-money, strong-program school beating up smaller, more academic, less athletic schools. These games are boring as hell to watch. "Oh, look, another kickoff returned for a touchdown. Oh, they made a two-point conversion? You don't say." There are faucet drips more exciting than the vast majority of collegiate football games.

So why do people watch? Well, some people watch just to demonstrate their support for their old school, or their kids' current school, or the school that isn't the school of that asshole across the street who borrowed your snowblower last January and you haven't seen it since and a blizzard's coming in tonight. Some others watch because, quite frankly, if you could train eleven rats to run a Statue of Liberty and eleven others to run a seven-rat blitz on the quarterback, they'd watch it.

But in my opinion, most people watch college sports not because their kids are on the team, not because they graduated from that school, and not because they worship football- because they don't, they don't, and they don't.

They watch to see the next screwup.

The greatest source of entertainment in college football is watching a spectacular blunder. You -know- that Enormous State University is going to run over Pocket Protector Tech and turn them into mulch for the groundskeeper. What you don't know is where PPT is going to throw the interception, fumble the snap, give up a blocked extra point, or allow the other college's band to block for the guy running for an end-of-half touchdown. You don't want to wait for the evening news to catch ten seconds on the sportscast, or hope that ESPN picks your favorite moment for its lowlights reel; you want to see it as it happens, in all its alumnus-groaning, coach-firing glory. Athletic humiliation is best savored when it's live.

With this in mind, let us turn our thoughts to the Black Knights of the Hudson, the cadets of West Point, the team from Army. This year, for the first time in the history of military football, the Army team went the whole season without a single win, going 0-13 and finishing with a humiliating loss to old rival Navy. Right now the Pentagon is divided between snickering admirals and bitter generals, generals who agonize over how Army could have won if they'd just had one more game.

So why not give it to them?

I propose a special exception to the NCAA rule that requires a team to win six games against Division I-A opponents to become bowl eligible. Put the two worst, absolute worst, the stinkiest teams in big-school ball into a game that would run right before the championship game, to warm us up and loosen us up for the real action.

Sports fans, I give you the Stupor Bowl.

At 0-13, beyond all doubt, Army would be one of the two teams present at the Stupor Bowl, tripping over their mascot running out of the fieldhouse onto Outstendingenner Field. But who would be a worthy opponent for them? What team would give Army its faint, forlorn hope for a face-saving victory? Let's have a look at the only other perfectly unvictorious teams in college football: the shame of the Western Athletic Conference, Southern Methodist University.

Once upon a time, back when the Southwest Conference roamed the Earth, SMU was a major football power. Then the NCAA decided that no, rich idiots in Dallas could not be allowed to buy their children conference and NCAA championships, and SMU went for four years without any football team at all. They've never recovered from this blow, and the rich idiots in Dallas have had to settle for buying their children MBAs and corporate vice-presidencies instead.

This year, however, SMU has truly outdone itself. Of course, anybody could lose against dangerous opposition such as Oklahoma State or Texas Tech, both of whom are bowl bound (or would be, if Texas Tech would deign to accept a bowl bid). And losing to Boise State, who put up an 11-1 record by sweeping the weak WAC, is also no shame. But Texas Christian used to be SMU's favorite punching bag, and this year TCU went 11-1 and gave the BCS people a scare before falling to Southern Mississippi. Rice University came down from their ivory silo and administered a major butt-whipping, going on to a 5-7 season (which, by Rice math, is a winning year).

And then there's the truly embarrassing losses. Baylor University, the 3-9 punching bag of the Big 12, squeaked out a 10-7 win againt SMU. The even more hapless 3-9 Spartans of San Jose State ground the Mustangs into the turf, 31-14. But worst, most humiliating of all, the University of Texas at El Paso scored its ONLY Division I-A win of the year (Sam Houston State is I-AA and thus doesn't count) by squeaking past you 21-19. Losing to the UTEP Miners is the capping, irredeemable shame; SMU, you have truly earned a spot in the Stupor Bowl.

So, let's set the stage: the only college football game ever aired on Comedy Central, SMU versus Army, for one last chance to not be the loser of the entire nation. Who would win this laugher- besides the viewers, who could groan and mock to their hearts' content?

Let's look first at the point stats. SMU, in twelve outings, scored an accumulated 134 points, as opposed to a whopping 386 points given up to their opponents. Army has had an extra game to blunder through, put up 200 points against an astouding 476 allowed. SMU's points ratio of .347 is worse than Army's .420, but Army suffered two complete shutouts, a humiliation SMU managed to stave off.

On offensive numbers, SMU falls short in total yardage gained- 3130 for SMU against 3526 for Army- but again, Army had that extra game to stretch out those numbers. Army far out-passed SMU, but the Mustangs hold a dominating 2:1 advantage on ground yardage. Again, all in all, the two teams appear close to equal.

So let's go to the one stat (besides the score) which every sports pundit agrees is decisive- turnovers. SMU coughed up the ball on fifteen interceptions and twelve fumbles, averaging two turnovers per game. Army, on the other hand, gave up twenty-five interceptions and nineteen fumbles, averaging a woeful three turnovers per game. (To give you a benchmark, here are some top schools' numbers: Oklahoma 9/6 avg. 1, Kansas State 16/13 avg. 2, USC 10//12 avg. 2 , LSU 13/12 avg. 2 , Michigan 9/9 avg. 1.5, Ohio State 11/11 avg. 2, and my own Texas 9/18 avg. 3.)

With the offenses evenly balanced, it's turnovers which will tell the tale, and after sixty game clock minutes of tripping over their own teammates, snapping the ball through the quarterback's hands, and coughing up some spectacular fumbles, SMU would win out over the Black Knights, 21-17.

It's too bad there isn't a real Stupor Bowl, Army. Think of it; you're being denied your chance to do what no college team in the history of the game has ever done- go 0-14.

But then, you're the first to go 0-13; maybe that's good enough for you.