redneckgaijin

( Yeah, I keep forgetting most of you could care less about this, but... )So, here's the history of my picks for the Stupor Bowl (that I can find):

Team named first was my pick to win hypothetical matchup
2011/12: Indiana v. Akron
2010/11: New Mexico v. Memphis
2009/10: Eastern Michigan v. Western Kentucky
2008/09: Washington v. North Texas
2007/08: Idaho v. Florida International
2006/07: (none named)
2005/06: Temple v. New Mexico State
2004/05: Central Florida v. Washington
2003/04: (none named)
2002/03: SMU v. Army



Oh- and I just found out someone else (a bike race in Minneapolis) was using the name before I started doing this. I'll have to find a new name for it if I keep doing it...)

(This year's Stupor Bowl coverage brought to you by White Lightning Productions' Black Friday / Year End Sale. WLP: "Buy Something, Bastard!")

OK, the season's almost over, so here's the premise in a nutshell: I believe that the NCAA should pair the two WORST Bowl Championship Series teams in a special Stupor Bowl, to give these horrible squads one last shot at redemption. It was inspired by Army's 2005 run of 0-13, which thanks to the standard 12-game schedule will likely stand as a record of unblemished suck.

Here are the rules:

* The two teams chosen must be the two teams with the worst win-loss records, or tied with other teams for worst. If only one team goes all season without a win, then one one-win team will be chosen along with that team- there will ALWAYS be two teams chosen.

* The two teams may not come from the same athletic conference.

* Any team which wins its last scheduled game, regardless of other considerations, is disqualified from consideration. (They've already had their moment of redemption.)

* Ties will be broken by the judges in an arbitrary fashion based on a combination of the following criteria: putative strength of school's football program (i. e. a 1-11 Notre Dame would be preferred for Stupor Bowldom over a 1-11 Central Michigan); the quality of their win (if any); the number of games lost by 8 points or fewer; and the ratio of total points scored versus total points allowed.

So here's who to watch:

INDIANA (Big 10) - 1-10; won vs. I-AA/FCS Division school South Carolina State; 4 close losses, inc. against Penn State; per-game avg. 21.1 points scored v. 37.7 allowed. Plays tomorrow v. Purdue. Although Indiana is a perpetual weak sister in the Big 10, they ARE in the Big 10, which means a little more ought to be expected from them, especially against the likes of Ball State and North Texas.

AKRON (Mid-American) - 1-10; won v. I-AA/FCS Div. VMI (their first win since 2009, BTW); two close losses against Eastern Michigan and Central Michigan; 13.7/35.8. A perennial Stupor Bowl contender (and, IIRC, one of last year's selectees). One last chance to avoid a repeat by defeating Western Michigan (which is currently 6-5).

NEW MEXICO (Mountain West) - 1-10; won v. UNLV (2-8); two close losses; 13.1/41.4. Another Stupor Bowl perennial contender and past selectee- and almost guaranteed NOT to win their final game next week against #7 Boise State.

FLORIDA ATLANTIC (Sunbelt) - 0-10; no wins; one close loss against Louisiana-Lafayette (8-3); 11.7/35.5. Has two games remaining, both against weak teams (UAB and Louisiana-Monroe), so these perfect bunglers might manage to bungle bungling. But that's not the way to bet.

We'll have to wait until a week from tomorrow to know for sure, but here's the current order of priority:

FLORIDA ATLANTIC (unvictorious)
INDIANA (member of a BCS conference)
NEW MEXICO
AKRON

If Indiana loses against Purdue (as is likely), they are in the Stupor Bowl.

If Florida Atlantic loses both its remaining games (which is at least coin-flip odds), they are in the Stupor Bowl.

If Florida Atlantic wins against UAB but loses against Louisiana-Monroe, they remain eligible for Stupor Bowl selection, with a tie between them, New Mexico and Akron which would have to be split by (most likely) point ratios (barring wins by New Mexico (HA!) and Akron (possible but unlikely).

But, if you want a glimpse of what an actual Stupor Bowl might look like, watch a replay of last night's Texas v. Texas A&M game- featuring two of the most incompetent offenses I've ever seen play. The game wasn't "close" in that both teams were fighting each other... it was "close" because both teams were doing their best to GIVE THE GAME TO THE OTHER SIDE. A&M specialized in costly penalties and weak red-zone defense, where Texas specialized in useless quarterbacks and even more useless punting. Rivalries that ancient should not end on play that embarrassing to watch...

... and THAT is what inspired me to do the Stupor Bowl, despite all the masses of non-game-play-related idiocy in college football this year.

See you a week from tomorrow night with the final picks and, possibly, my prediction of which of the two teams would win.

(The ad at the top of this post is less insulting, both to human intelligence and to the viewers in general, than more than half of the ads currently airing during college and pro football TV broadcasts. Which is sad.)

Wonder of wonders, Akron managed to squeak out a win against Buffalo, 22-14. Since that's the last game of their season, they managed to end on a high note- and thus are OUT of the Stupor Bowl.

Memphis, on the other hand, had no trouble losing their last game against UCF. They're definitely IN the Stupor Bowl.

And as I type this, in the 3rd quarter New Mexico is getting curb-stomped by TCU, 51-17.

So there's your two teams for the February 30, 2011 meeting in Walter Mondale Memorial Stadium- Memphis and New Mexico, and based on the fact that New Mexico managed to score at least seventeen points against the STARTERS for TCU- AND knocked out TCU's starting quarterback- in that alas hypothetical matchup I'd give New Mexico the decided edge.

And finally, a moment of silence for Boise State's BCS dreams, which went up in smoke in overtime when Nevada's field goal ended the Mustangs' winning streak.

I don't care what the big bowl mavens say about "playing the Sisters of Charity" or "every game is a playoff game." It's NOT. A team in the Southeast Conference, or maybe the Big 12, or Ohio State, Michigan, and USC- these teams can afford to lose one game- ONE- and still have a shot at the title. For every other team- over ninety teams- not only is any loss de facto the end of their season, but most of those teams will never even be given a chance at the championship. Instead the best they can hope for is to play some 6-6 schmucks like the University of Houston in the God Please Give Tourists a Reason to Come To Our City During the Holiday Season Bowl- a game that means, in terms of prestige and accomplishment, precisely dick.

Every single other sport in college athletics has a playoff system. Four-fifths of all colleges with football teams participate in playoffs. The big schools with the elite teams should not be given a cozy little system and seventy to eighty punching bag schools to guarantee permanent dominance of both the national title and the national advertising dollars.

The bowl system needs to die- except, of course, for the Stupor Bowl.

What with one thing and another I've let this slide, but it's time for a Stupor Bowl update.

1) AKRON (0-11)

Has one final chance to win against 2-9 Buffalo this Saturday. Don't bet on it.

2) NEW MEXICO (1-10, non-BCS school, win against I-A, one close loss)

New Mexico beat almost-as-hapless 3-9 Wyoming... but their final game is against #4 TCU. Look for a 30-point victory, MINIMUM, for the Horned Frogs. (For those who don't know, that's the mascot of Texas Christian.)

3) MEMPHIS (non-BCS school, win against I-A team, 1 close loss)

Memphis had two chances to get a second win in the past two weeks, and blew it. This Saturday they face conference leader Central Florida. Stick a fork in those turkeys, ma.

4) SAN JOSE STATE (non-BCS school, win against I-AA team, EXTREMELY hard schedule, 3 close losses)

San Jose State has two games remaining, this Saturday against Louisiana Tech, then December 3 at Idaho. They're long odds on both games, but it's just possible that a miracle might occur.

OUT:

UNLV (2-9) - Beat Wyoming on Nov. 13 like a dirty rug.

WASHINGTON STATE (2-9) - beat 5-5 Oregon State, believe it or not. As nice as it is for the Huskies to avoid the Stupor Bowl, it makes Boise State a little more annoyed, since they scheduled Oregon State to STRENGTHEN, not weaken, their schedule for the BCS computers...

MINNESOTA (2-9) - The Golden Gophers actually managed to come back from behind yesterday to beat somebody, ANYBODY- even if it is the 6-5 Fighting Illini.

WESTERN KENTUCKY (2-9) - They still haven't ever won a game at home, but getting their second win two Saturdays ago at Arkansas State is a major improvement over last year's Stupor Bowl honors. They even managed to lose by only one point yesterday against Middle Tennessee. I'd say expect great things in the future, but since this is the Sun Belt Conference, the best the Hilltoppers can hope for is mediocre things in the future.

EASTERN MICHIGAN (2-9) - Beat also 2-9 Buffalo yesterday, and thus escapes repeating last year's shame.

So, here's the breakdown going into what's the final weekend for three out of four of these teams.

AKRON- is in the Stupor Bowl unless they win Saturday. On paper, of the four teams they have the best shot of winning. In reality... I know where my money ISN'T going.

NEW MEXICO and MEMPHIS

These two teams are almost perfectly tied in awfulness. Offense and defense states are almost the same. Memphis is, in my opinion, slightly better because its one win is against a slightly better team (Middle Tennessee) than New Mexico (Wyoming), and its one close loss, likewise, is against a slightly better team (UTEP) than New Mexico (New Mexico State). That said, both are facing powerful teams for their last game- New Mexico has it far worse, since UCF isn't nationally ranked. How these teams perform in the last game will determine which one gets the second slot in the Stupor Bowl.

SAN JOSE STATE

Clearly a better team than any of the other three, suffering from a pounding hard schedule and still managing to be competitive some of the time. They only get in if two of the aforementioned three teams win their final games- and, unlike the other three, they have two games instead of one to escape shame themselves.

What happens, you ask, if three of these teams, or worse all four, win their final games? Well, then I look at some two-win teams, with Rice almost certainly leading the pack... but the odds are just so long against it I don't regard that as worth my time.

So: Akron versus either New Mexico or (slightly less likely) Memphis, with San Jose State getting sympathy from this devil... unless strange things happen.


... wow, I got through an LJ post without mentioning Obama even once oh damn...

OFF THE LIST:

Duke upset Navy for their second win, 34-31.

Marshall likewise upset conference opponent UTEP, 16-12- a game which, by all reports, ought to qualify for Stupor Bowl honors itself, including a UTEP two-point conversion attempt that was intercepted and returned all the way down the field to score two points for MARSHALL.

Bowling Green got their second win against equally awful Central Michigan, 17-14.

In a matchup of Stupor Bowl contenders, North Texas beat Western Kentucky 33-6. The Hilltoppers' opponents for next week, Florida Atlantic, also got off the list by defeating nearly-as-bad Florida International, 21-9.

Finally, New Mexico State and San Jose State met... and very nearly cancelled each other out with their suck. New Mexico State finally won 29-27, and thus got off this list.

Here's the rankings of the remaining Stupor Bowl contenders.

1) AKRON (0-8)
2) NEW MEXICO (0-8)
all others with 1 win

3) WASHINGTON STATE (BCS school, win against I-AA, no close defeats) (unchanged)
4) UNLV (non-BCS school, win against I-A team, no close losses) (up 2 spots)
5) MEMPHIS (non-BCS school, win against I-A team, 1 close loss) (up 3 spots)
6) MINNESOTA (BCS school, win against I-A, 2 close defeats) (up 4 spots)
7) SAN JOSE STATE (non-BCS school, win against I-AA team, EXTREMELY hard schedule, 2 close losses) (unchanged)
8) WESTERN KENTUCKY (non-BCS school, win against I-A team, 2 close losses) (up 3 spots)
9) EASTERN MICHIGAN (non-BCS school, win against I-A team, 2 close losses) (up 3 spots)

DE-LISTED (last week's rankings)
4) DUKE (BCS school, win against I-AA, 2 close defeats)
5) NEW MEXICO STATE (non-BCS school, win against I-A team, no close losses)
9) MARSHALL (non-BCS school, past history of excellence, win against I-A team with winning record, 1 close loss against Top 25 school)
13) NORTH TEXAS (non-BCS school, win against I-A team, 2 close losses)
14) FLORIDA ATLANTIC (non-BCS school, win against I-A team, 2 close losses)
15) BOWLING GREEN (non-BCS school, past history of excellence, win against I-A team, 3 close losses)

THIS WEEK'S GAMES TO WATCH (and laugh at):

Akron at Ball State (Sat., 12:00 Noon Central)
Wyoming at New Mexico (Sat., 5:00 PM Central)
Florida Atlantic at Western Kentucky (Sat., 3:30 PM Central)
Utah State at San Jose State (Sat., 7:00 PM Central)

Since my ankle has sapped what little ever exists of my ambition to get things done today, and since #1-ranked Alabama was upset by the Gamecocks of South Carolina (fucking YAY, now let's give Boise State their damn shot at the championship!)...

... seems like a good time to take a quick look and see what the field is like for Stupor Bowl contenders.

I'm not going to review any team or show prospects for the future- I'm just making a list. At the end of the college football season, I will name two Football Bowl Series (Div. 1-A) schools from different conferences to the nonexistent Stupor Bowl, where these two teams, the absolutel worst college football has to offer, would (if the NCAA would let them) have one final chance to end their season on a winning note and redeem a tiny measure of honor.

Anyway, who's in the hunt this year?

ACC- Duke (1-4)
BIG EAST- Cincinnati (1-3)
BIG TEN- Minnesota (1-4)
CONFERENCE USA- Marshall (1-4), UAB (1-4), Memphis (1-5), Rice (1-4)
MAC- Bowling Green (1-5), Akron (0-6), Eastern Michigan (0-5)
MOUNTAIN WEST- UNLV (1-5), Colorado State (1-5), New Mexico (0-5)
PAC 10- Washington State (1-5)
SOUTHEASTERN- Vanderbilt (1-3)
SUN BELT- Florida Int'l (1-4), North Texas (1-4), Arkansas State (1-4), Louisiana-Monroe (1-3), Florida Atlantic (1-3), Western Kentucky (0-5)
WAC- San Jose State (1-4), New Mexico State (0-4)

Except for Cincinnati, a lot of the usual suspects. (The coach at Cincy left for the job at Notre Dame this season, but I hadn't expected this hard a crash...)

Anyway, too early to make any predictions at all- not when 20% of all Div. 1-A teams (and fully half of the Sun Belt Conference) are still technically in the running. More in a week or two when things have developed a bit more.

Today the Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky blew a first quarter 14-0 lead to lose to Arkansas State, 24-20.

That kind of performance is, indeed, the stuff of which Stupor Bowl contenders are made- and thus it is that Western Kentucky, along with the equally hapless and winless Eastern Michigan (sorry bar1scorpio, get the dubious honor of being named to the 2009/10 Stupor Bowl.

I'll likely make one more post on college football- about the inherent unfairness of the current conference system- and then shut up about sports for a good long while.

... since I can't wait until Sunday morning to at least break down what happened today while I was Black Friday-ing (and recovering).

Earlier this week Ball State found their second win and got off the list, defeating Western Michigan 22-17.

Today Eastern Michigan missed its last chance to get a win when they failed to make a comeback late against Akron, losing 28-21. Whatever else happens, Eastern Michigan is in the Stupor Bowl.

If Western Kentucky loses out, we have two 0-12 teams in the Stupor Bowl. If Western Kentucky wins one of their last two games (and, as is almost certain, New Mexico loses tomorrow to TCU), then New Mexico will get the final slot. Although Western Kentucky has by far the weaker schedule, the two schools have similar performance on the field... and Western Kentucky is in its first year in bowl contention, whereas New Mexico has possibly the worst coaching scandal in all NCAA football this season. THAT would be the tiebreaker.

If New Mexico upsets -and- Western Kentucky wins its last game next week, then the second spot goes to Miami of Ohio. Technically San Jose State and Washington State are also under consideration, but San Jose State's six close losses and Washington State's horribly tough season mean that those teams would have to lose ABOMINABLY badly in the last two weeks to outdo Miami of Ohio's consistent crappy performance. Miami of Ohio, whose season ended last week, has no further opportunities for redemption.

(Black Friday? you ask. Yes, I got up too damn early to make a swing at Black Friday deals. Didn't find as much as I'd hoped- certainly not enough to justify being awake that damn early. Went back to bed after I got home, slept until 11. Just finished a buying spree on Amazon (and fell afoul of deals on pre-orders for Top Gear Seasons 11 and 12 and Thanksgiving sales on the Star Trek DVD and soundtrack). Only seven gifts to go, which will be found over the next few weeks as I look around what's available here in oddball stuff...)

RICE BEAT TULANE. HOLY SHIT.

( Here's the updated Stupor Bowl contenders ranking list... )

With Rice no longer top of the suck charts, I find myself hoping that Eastern Michigan will win a game to clear the way for a New Mexico v. Western Kentucky pairing. Consider: a team with an unholy embarrassment of a coach against a team flattened in its first year in Division I-A. Both teams desperately need, and deserve, something to salvage a season of otherwise unremitting despair. Both teams are the reason I want a Stupor Bowl in the first place. But, with those narrow losses yesterday, neither team is quite as bad- yet- as Eastern Michigan... and it's suck, not sentiment, that decides who I pick.

( More college football blathering... )

So- I wonder if I can find any of these games on TV anywhere at all? Doubt it...