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redneckgaijinI was intrigued by this Q&A on Brad Guigar's weekly relationship cartoon, Courting Disaster.
Quoting the original question:
I briefly thought about responding in the thread, except for two things: first, the initial discussion was over a week ago; second, there was a good bit of truly misogynist stuff in there, mostly unintentional but poisoning the discussion nonetheless.
Instead, here's my response.
First, most guys can tell the difference between fantasy and reality. The fact that they're getting some reality is not going to stop them fantasizing, but they're not going to abandon reality to go chasing fantasy, either. Unless Jenna Jameson rings your doorbell one day (hint: NOT happening), don't worry about competing with porn.
Second, a lot of the time two people in a long-term relationship are not going to be in the mood, or in a safe environment, or even in possession of sufficient time for sex at the same time. When one isn't feeling it, the other should be allowed to cope in any and all ways that don't violate the terms you set for the relationship. (Those terms, by the way, should be simple, understood by both, and above all else mutually agreed to, or else the relationship will fail.)
Most important, though, is this: if sex is the primary basis of your relationship, it's going to fail. Kissing, to quote an eminently quotable author, doesn't last. If you've got a good relationship- a relationship based on love and mutual compatibility rather than lust and mutual attraction- then porn is not going to pose any threat to it.
Consider these points:
* Porn is not going to get up at 3 AM to drive you to the ER when that tummy bug from the new Chinese restaurant turns out to be serious food poisoning.
* Porn is not going to take you to a movie.
* Porn is not going to grit its teeth and put up with your crazy relatives when they visit.
* Porn doesn't pay its share of the rent and utilities.
* Porn can't change the tire on your car when you're going to be late for work.
* Despite the best effects of technology and publishing, porn cannot actually fill an empty bed with a warm and comforting presence.
* Porn doesn't give a damn if someone in your family dies.
* Porn doesn't miss you when you're away for a long time.
* Porn won't tell the person who mocks your beliefs to shut the hell up.
* Porn also won't tell you when your beliefs are mockworthy.
* Porn doesn't think, doesn't love, doesn't even know you exist. It is an entertainment, and nothing more. Porn can never take the place of a live human being... unless the only reason you're with that live human being is for sex, and even then porn only acts as a cardboard cigarette compared to the real thing.
No, don't worry about porn ruining a relationship, unless you're maybe dating Alberto Gonzales...
Quoting the original question:
I caught my boyfriend looking at Internet porn. It makes me feel like if I'm not good enough for him. How can I get him to stop?
I briefly thought about responding in the thread, except for two things: first, the initial discussion was over a week ago; second, there was a good bit of truly misogynist stuff in there, mostly unintentional but poisoning the discussion nonetheless.
Instead, here's my response.
First, most guys can tell the difference between fantasy and reality. The fact that they're getting some reality is not going to stop them fantasizing, but they're not going to abandon reality to go chasing fantasy, either. Unless Jenna Jameson rings your doorbell one day (hint: NOT happening), don't worry about competing with porn.
Second, a lot of the time two people in a long-term relationship are not going to be in the mood, or in a safe environment, or even in possession of sufficient time for sex at the same time. When one isn't feeling it, the other should be allowed to cope in any and all ways that don't violate the terms you set for the relationship. (Those terms, by the way, should be simple, understood by both, and above all else mutually agreed to, or else the relationship will fail.)
Most important, though, is this: if sex is the primary basis of your relationship, it's going to fail. Kissing, to quote an eminently quotable author, doesn't last. If you've got a good relationship- a relationship based on love and mutual compatibility rather than lust and mutual attraction- then porn is not going to pose any threat to it.
Consider these points:
* Porn is not going to get up at 3 AM to drive you to the ER when that tummy bug from the new Chinese restaurant turns out to be serious food poisoning.
* Porn is not going to take you to a movie.
* Porn is not going to grit its teeth and put up with your crazy relatives when they visit.
* Porn doesn't pay its share of the rent and utilities.
* Porn can't change the tire on your car when you're going to be late for work.
* Despite the best effects of technology and publishing, porn cannot actually fill an empty bed with a warm and comforting presence.
* Porn doesn't give a damn if someone in your family dies.
* Porn doesn't miss you when you're away for a long time.
* Porn won't tell the person who mocks your beliefs to shut the hell up.
* Porn also won't tell you when your beliefs are mockworthy.
* Porn doesn't think, doesn't love, doesn't even know you exist. It is an entertainment, and nothing more. Porn can never take the place of a live human being... unless the only reason you're with that live human being is for sex, and even then porn only acts as a cardboard cigarette compared to the real thing.
No, don't worry about porn ruining a relationship, unless you're maybe dating Alberto Gonzales...
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no subject
Date: 2008-05-04 08:59 pm (UTC)It is possible to become addicted to porn -- not in the casual-usage way that means "you read more of it than I do," but in the you-have-a-serious-problem way that includes symptoms such as:
- blowing off work or family obligations to look at porn
- spending money budgeted for necessities on buying porn
- having trouble carrying on a conversation that isn't about porn
(Think that can't apply to women? Substitute "slashfic" for "porn".)
If your partner is showing signs of that kind of obsession, then you need to be looking at models more along the lines of, "What can I do about my partner's alcohol/drug/gambling habit?" -- and that's an entirely different paradigm. You can't treat a porn addiction like a normal human interest.
(BTW, this is the same reason that I don't like hearing "You vowed to stand by him/her for better or for worse" used as a lever to keep someone in an abusive marriage. Life's normal ups and downs -- even serious ones like disability or terminal illness -- are not comparable to the pathology of abuse.)
no subject
Date: 2008-05-04 09:08 pm (UTC)(That, and I believe the term "sex addict" is thrown about far, far too casually.)
no subject
Date: 2008-05-05 03:21 am (UTC)Well, even if it's a horrendously cliche questions, it's not just a weak attempt at trolling or something.
(Then again, back to your post... I'm not sure I've encountered a woman that'll do half that list, either...)