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redneckgaijin(tune: "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" by John Rox)
(SPOKEN)
AL: Good evening, I'm Albert Gonzales, leader of the Republican Glee Club. With me today are Rush Limbaugh...
RUSH: Hello there!
AL: ... Dick Cheney...
DICK: Be afraid.
AL: ... and John Yoo.
JOHN: Hiya.
AL: And tonight we're going to sing about something very important to all of us...
RUSH: Vicodin?
DICK: Gaining absolute global power?
JOHN: Evading prosecution for our past deeds?
AL: No, no, NO. I refer to enhanced interrogation techniques.
THE OTHERS: Ooooooooooh.
AL: You see, without enhanced interrogation techniques, the terrorists who threaten at every moment to blow up your house, rape your daughters, and take the last slice of pizza from your fridge won't tell us what they're planning.
DICK: That's right. Because, as we all know, Osama bin Laden never brags about his deeds or tells us he's going to attack us in advance.
JOHN: Yes, and suicide bombers never tell their families goodbye or leave incriminating farewell recordings on Facebook, YouTube or MySpace.
RUSH: And sometimes these sleezeballs even claim they're not terrorists at all! When it's obvious! I mean, if you're wearing a turban and speaking Arabic, then it's pretty obvious that-
AL (interrupting VERY quickly): Ah ah ah ah... perhaps we'd better just let the song speak for itself. Key of G, gentlemen...
(music begins playing, then singing:)
ALL:
I want a Muslim terrorist to torture
Torture is the American thing to do
RUSH: Make him confess, written or oral
I'm gonna make him suffer and who cares if it's immoral
JOHN: I want a Muslim terrorist to torture
I don't think Scalia will mind, do you?
We don't have to seek a legal precedent
Because we know they're all guilty til proven innocent
DICK: I can see them now some Sunday morning, once we've stripped them bare
Oh what fear and what surprise when we poke them in the eyes
And waterboard them in an easy chair
ALL: I want a Muslim terrorist to torture
Torture is the American thing to do
AL: No Eighth Amendment, no Geneva Accords
I only want Muslim men to torture
But really any foreigner will do
(SPOKEN during instrumental)
RUSH: Al, that was my line there at the end.
AL: Sorry, I did not recall.
(SUNG)
AL: Using the power of the executive
We'll see what we can do to them so long as they still live
DICK: There's lots of room in Bagram and in Guantanamo
We'll take pleasure in his pain and nobody will know
RUSH: I can it now some Sunday morning in Afghanistan
Oh what glee and what guffaws when we slam him into walls
JOHN: And tell him he won't be seen again
ALL: We're gonna save America through torture
Nothing else but torturing will do
We'll make them talk, after we've had him butchered
We won't stop till all of them are tortured...
DICK: And then someday we'll come and torture you!
(SPOKEN)
AL: So you see why it is so important that enhanced interrogation techniques like simulated drowning, beatings, sleep deprivation, sensory deprivation, hypothermia, and whatever else we can think of that doesn't leave a mark must be preserved as a tool for the defense of the United States.
RUSH: Yeah- and remember, if you don't think inflicting pain on others is fun, then you're not a true red-blooded American!
JOHN: Only by taking away your rights can we protect your freedom.
DICK: I don't know why we're doing this- Obama's too much of a pussy to do anything to us any-
(Much shushing, hissing, and whispers as sound fades out...)
(SPOKEN)
AL: Good evening, I'm Albert Gonzales, leader of the Republican Glee Club. With me today are Rush Limbaugh...
RUSH: Hello there!
AL: ... Dick Cheney...
DICK: Be afraid.
AL: ... and John Yoo.
JOHN: Hiya.
AL: And tonight we're going to sing about something very important to all of us...
RUSH: Vicodin?
DICK: Gaining absolute global power?
JOHN: Evading prosecution for our past deeds?
AL: No, no, NO. I refer to enhanced interrogation techniques.
THE OTHERS: Ooooooooooh.
AL: You see, without enhanced interrogation techniques, the terrorists who threaten at every moment to blow up your house, rape your daughters, and take the last slice of pizza from your fridge won't tell us what they're planning.
DICK: That's right. Because, as we all know, Osama bin Laden never brags about his deeds or tells us he's going to attack us in advance.
JOHN: Yes, and suicide bombers never tell their families goodbye or leave incriminating farewell recordings on Facebook, YouTube or MySpace.
RUSH: And sometimes these sleezeballs even claim they're not terrorists at all! When it's obvious! I mean, if you're wearing a turban and speaking Arabic, then it's pretty obvious that-
AL (interrupting VERY quickly): Ah ah ah ah... perhaps we'd better just let the song speak for itself. Key of G, gentlemen...
(music begins playing, then singing:)
ALL:
I want a Muslim terrorist to torture
Torture is the American thing to do
RUSH: Make him confess, written or oral
I'm gonna make him suffer and who cares if it's immoral
JOHN: I want a Muslim terrorist to torture
I don't think Scalia will mind, do you?
We don't have to seek a legal precedent
Because we know they're all guilty til proven innocent
DICK: I can see them now some Sunday morning, once we've stripped them bare
Oh what fear and what surprise when we poke them in the eyes
And waterboard them in an easy chair
ALL: I want a Muslim terrorist to torture
Torture is the American thing to do
AL: No Eighth Amendment, no Geneva Accords
I only want Muslim men to torture
But really any foreigner will do
(SPOKEN during instrumental)
RUSH: Al, that was my line there at the end.
AL: Sorry, I did not recall.
(SUNG)
AL: Using the power of the executive
We'll see what we can do to them so long as they still live
DICK: There's lots of room in Bagram and in Guantanamo
We'll take pleasure in his pain and nobody will know
RUSH: I can it now some Sunday morning in Afghanistan
Oh what glee and what guffaws when we slam him into walls
JOHN: And tell him he won't be seen again
ALL: We're gonna save America through torture
Nothing else but torturing will do
We'll make them talk, after we've had him butchered
We won't stop till all of them are tortured...
DICK: And then someday we'll come and torture you!
(SPOKEN)
AL: So you see why it is so important that enhanced interrogation techniques like simulated drowning, beatings, sleep deprivation, sensory deprivation, hypothermia, and whatever else we can think of that doesn't leave a mark must be preserved as a tool for the defense of the United States.
RUSH: Yeah- and remember, if you don't think inflicting pain on others is fun, then you're not a true red-blooded American!
JOHN: Only by taking away your rights can we protect your freedom.
DICK: I don't know why we're doing this- Obama's too much of a pussy to do anything to us any-
(Much shushing, hissing, and whispers as sound fades out...)
