redneckgaijin

First: the Houston Texans beat the Cincinnati Bengals today. I REALLY wasn't expecting that- in fact, had I bet on the game, I would have picked Cincy by 17.

Anyway, forget pro football... the college football season is half over, and that means it's time to look at the contenders for my proposed end-of-the-year showdown of slop, challenge of chumps, clash of klutzes- the Stupor Bowl.

To clarify, let me explain: current NCAA rules require that Division I-A (Bowl Championship Series) schools only qualify to go to post-season bowl games if they win at least six games against other I-A schools. I believe the rules should be changed to make an exception for the two worst teams- ideally, teams which go perfectly unvictorious throughout the year, to give them one last shot at salvaging something from a miserable year.

This would be the Stupor Bowl, and here's the rules for selection.

(1) The two worst teams are named to play, beginning with any teams that go entirely without wins in a season. If one or both spots remain available, then teams with one win are eligible.

(2) Teams with one win are ineligible if that one win was in the final game of the season ("end on a high note" rule- such teams don't need a Stupor Bowl).

(3) The two teams in the Stupor Bowl must be from different athletic conferences.

(4) In case of ties, the tiebreakers shall be, in order: (a) number of losses; or, failing that, (b) a judgement call in which strength of schedule, past performance of the school's teams, quality of their win (if any), and proportion of near-losses v. blowout losses are taken into consideration.

So, now that almost everyone's had at least six games, who's left in contention for this dubious honor?
( Here's the list of schools currently in the running. )

So, there's your contenders: Rice, Miami of Ohio, Ball State, Western Kentucky, New Mexico, Eastern Michigan, Ball State, Akron, Florida Int'l, Illinois, Washington State, San Jose State, Utah State, North Texas, Florida Atlantic, and Arkansas State. No real surprises this year, to tell the truth- with the Mid American and Sun Belt Conferences' massive FAIL shrieking the case for realignment of conferences on strictly geographic terms. The SEC, Big 12, ACC, and Big East don't have a single team on the list- ditto re: the need to realign.

Stupor Bowl eliminator games to watch (for laughs, of course):

October 24 - Ball State at Eastern Michigan, Florida International at Arkansas State
October 31 - Western Kentucky at North Texas
November 14 - Arkansas State at Florida Atlantic, North Texas at Florida International, San Jose State at Utah State
November 27 - Akron at Eastern Michigan
November 28 - North Texas* at Arkansas State, Western Kentucky at Florida Atlantic
December 3 - Arkansas State* at Western Kentucky*
December 5 - Florida Atlantic* at Florida International*

* - last game of season for team

And one final note: if you're playing on one of those teams, you'd better brush up on your books, because you are NOT going pro- unless you play professional Putt-Putt mini-golf on the side.

First, NaNoWriMo; I let it drop a couple weeks ago because, to be blunt, I started late, stayed behind, and was churning out utter garbage. I had far too much boring expository stuff to get into the story, which is a sign of a weak story in my opinion. Furthermore, I ran across a book titled Queen of the Orcs, about a human who goes from slave to ruler of an orc clan. Since my book involved a human who goes from slave to ruler of several orc clans, that kind of diminished my enthusiasm in the project.

So, only 10,000 words or so done. Maybe another time, maybe not. I should probably go back to SafeHarbor, but for now I need to catch up on WLP projects... including today's work, preparing to put several specials up for sale at WLP's online store for Cyber Monday. The official listing of bargains goes up on the wlp community tonight.

But as I take a break from that... I was so wrapped up in the Presidential horse race, and then in other things, that I completely neglected to watch the running for the Stupor Bowl.

The Stupor Bowl is a fictional game in which the worst of the worst of Division I-A college football teams get one final shot to redeem perfectly awful seasons. It was first inspired by the record-setting 0-13 run the Army team put up five years ago. Last year's selections for this game were the University of Idaho and Duke University, which both ended their seasons 1-11. This year Duke improved to 4-8, while Idaho managed only one additional win (2-10).

The rules:

* The selections shall have the two worst records in all of Division I-A college football, or be tied for same; ties to be broken according to strength of wins (if any), margin of losses, and statistics, as determined by the judges (me).

* Any team which wins the final game of its season is ineligible for the Stupor Bowl, because it has redeemed its season with that final win.

* The two teams may not come from the same athletic conference.

So- as I type this there is only one winless team in contention, 0-11 Washington- but they still have one game left to play, next weekend, against California If they upset California (who are currently 7-4, so don't hold your breath) they would be inelgible.

The one-win teams competing(?) to play them in the Stupor Bowl are Southern Methodist University (who were also 1-11 last year, narrowly missing the honors) and the University of North Texas (who have ended a 1-11 season after a 2-10 season last year).

Southern Methodist University's lone win comes against Texas State University (formerly San Marcos State), a I-AA school. North Texas won against 2-9 Western Kentucky, an independent I-A school. In this comparison, SMU shows the greater weakness.

SMU played one ranked team, Texas Tech; likewise, North Texas played one ranked team, SMU. Both games were absolute blowouts. No advantage there.

SMU was outscored by its opponents 458 to 256; North Texas, by 571 to 240. Weaker team: North Texas.

SMU averages 314.3 yards offense per game; North Texas, 363. Weaker: SMU.

SMU's strength of schedule: their opponents' combined win-loss record was 85-59. UNT: 70-68. That, I think, is going to be the decisive stat; whereas SMU played in a surprisingly strong Conference USA, North Texas had the bulk of its schedule within the perennially miserable Sun Belt Conference- with only two of eight teams holding winning records. (Further, since those two teams play each other next week, and one of the two is only 6-5, that might be narrowed to one winning team come Saturday.)

So, here's the deal: if the University of Washington loses (as is almost certain), the Huskies will be invited to Charles S. Brown Memorial Stadium at Wotsamatta U. to face the Mean Green of North Texas, game to be played at 13:01 AM on February 30, 2009. If, however, Washington wins (and they lost their last game in overtime, so it's not impossible), then the 2009 Stupor Bowl will be not just an all-Texas affair, but a greater Dallas/Fort Worth affair, in which case they can play the game in Texas Stadium right after the wrecking balls leave.

Let's see what happens next weekend...

(Oh- and as I type this, I learn that Oklahoma has been named champion of the Big 12 South and will go to the championship game. Even if Oklahoma loses to Missouri, this makes it highly unlikely that Texas will get a shot at the BCS championship- or, indeed, a BCS bowl slot at all. Dammit.)

Our contenders:

FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL - As I type this, well on their way to yet another defeat; down 28-3 against Florida Atlantic with two minutes to go in the second half. Even if they somehow manage to win, they'll only have one win, and they'll still be the favorite for the Stupor Bowl.

NORTH TEXAS - Wins in a squeaker, 27-26 against Western Kentucky, taking themselves completely out of Stupor Bowl contention. Next week's season ender against Florida Int'l is still a game to watch, if you can find someone sadistic enough to televise it...

UTAH STATE v. IDAHO - The game of the week for football fans seeking follies. Utah State ends its season with two wins in a row- not only are they out of Stupor Bowl contention, but they have some genuine reason to hold their heads high after a mostly miserable season. Idaho kept it close, though, despite coughing up the ball four times... 24-19 the final score.

SMU - Lost to Memphis, 55-52 in the third overtime period. Although not a win, it's a close loss against a 7-win team, which means they back their way to the bottom of the Stupor Bowl race...

DUKE - Lost 20-14 against North Carolina. Another close loss...

MINNESOTA - With their season over, the Gophers at least can't make things any worse for themselves. With both SMU and Duke losing, in fact, Minnesota can breathe a sigh of relief; they just aren't bad enough to be in the Stupor Bowl, not compared to the competition.

With these results, and only the UNT-FIU game next week to decide, here's the standings:

FLORIDA INT'L (winless)
IDAHO (1 win v. Div. 1-AA Cal Poly, 4 close losses, margin defeat -15.4)
DUKE (1 win v. 6-6 Northwestern, 2 close losses, margin defeat -14.3)
SMU (1 win v. 2-9 North Texas, 4 close losses, margin defeat -11.4)

Idaho- which I'd dismissed from consideration three weeks ago- is in the Stupor Bowl. Next week's game will determine if Florida International or Duke takes the other spot...

On a lighter note, today Notre Dame managed to pull itself out of Stupor Bowl contention. Their play against Duke was, in a word, miserable, but Duke handed Notre Dame several turnovers which allowed the Frightened Irish to win, 28-7. That keeps Duke in the hunt for a Stupor Bowl berth, although there's still teams in front of them.

North Texas lost Thursday against Arkansas State, 31-27. They're still on course to face Florida International on December 1 for a Stupor Bowl face-off, as FIU falls to Louisiana-Lafayette, 38-28.

The formerly leading team for the other Stupor Bowl spot, Utah State, won its first game of the year, defeating New Mexico State in surprisingly handy fashion, 35-17. This win brings Idaho, previously eliminated from consideration, back in; the two teams go into next week's face-off tied with 1-10 records. (Idaho folded like a cheap card table today against Boise State, 58-14.) What's more, by defeating

SMU fell 49-20 to University of Central Florida- who are bowl-bound for the second year in a row, only three years after earning a Stupor Bowl bid themselves.

Colorado State escaped Stupor Bowl ignominy by upsetting Division 1-AA Georgia Southern 42-34.

Finally, Minnesota remains on the top of the bottom, so to speak, fighting Wisconsin tooth and nail, remaining competitive to the end, when the Badgers emerged triumphant 41-34. Minnesota ends the season at 1-11.


So, with Idaho back in consideration, here's how things break down:

Thanks to the intense intra-conference competition to be awful this year, the Stupor Bowl committee this week has established a new rule for selecting bids. The rules are as follows:

1. The teams must have the worst record, or be tied for the worst record, in NCAA Division I football, or have the second-worst record or be tied for it if one team stands alone as the worst.

2. The two Stupor Bowl teams must come from different conferences.

3. No team which wins its final game of the season may be named to the Stupor Bowl.

4. No team which loses its final game of the season against a team which came into that final game with a worse record may be named to the Stupor Bowl (they had their chance).

So:

* If Florida International pulls off the miracle of the century and defeats Florida Atlantic next week, then the FIU/UNT game of December 1 becomes a straight fight to avoid the Stupor Bowl. If Florida Internation remains winless, however, UNT becomes ineligible, as they would play their final game of the season against a team with a worse record. FIU would have to win BOTH games to avoid a Stupor Bowl berth.

* North Texas gets a Stupor Bowl bid if it goes winless against West Kentucky and FIU and if FIU wins against Florida Atlantic. Otherwise it is eliminated from consideration. (And I can hear the "Go FAU!" cheers from Denton now.)

* The winner of the Utah State - Idaho game is, of course, eliminated from consideration. That game, next week, is the final game for both teams.

Based on current tiebreaker considerations- quality of sole win, number of close losses, and average margin of defeat- our rankings for the other spot in contention are:

Idaho (win v. Div. 1-AA Cal Poly, 2 close losses, avg. margin defeat 16.4)
Utah State (win v. 4-8 New Mexico State, 3 close losses, avg. margin defeat 14.9)
SMU (win v. 1-9 North Texas, 4 close losses, avg. margin defeat 12.2)
Duke (win v. 6-6 Northwestern, 2 close losses, avg. margin defeat 16.1)
Minnesota (win v. 6-5 Miami (OH), 6 close losses, avg. margin defeat 10.4)

These standings, however, are too close to play out any solid scenarios. If, for example, Utah State absolutely overwhelms Idaho, Idaho is in, no question; but if Idaho just barely edges out Utah State, while SMU or Duke loses their final game by massive amounts, the close loss and margin of defeat numbers could potentially shift to favor either. Minnesota is, to all practical purposes, out of contention; its season is over, and it would take SMU and Duke both winning their last games and about a one-point victory by Utah State over Idaho to make it even worth considering.

First off, it came to my attention today while checking Stupor Bowl contenders that I'd slipped up: U. Louisiana at Lafayette, just three hours away from my house, is indeed Div. I and was also 1-8 on Friday... making three, count 'em, THREE Stupor Bowl contenders in the Sun Belt conference. See what I mean about the softest of soft conferences? Their one win came against U. of North Texas. Thankfully, they won against Middle Tennessee today, 34-24, taking them out of Stupor Bowl contention.

The current worst team in college sports, Florida International, has a bye this week- no doubt a welcome relief for a team which hasn't had a win since September of LAST YEAR. The other presumptive Stupor Bowl candidate, Utah State, was shut out a mind-numbing 52-0 to Boise State.

Florida Int'l's in-conference rivals in rottenness, North Texas, started out unexpectedly strong against Navy, only to bungle massively on several plays, turn the ball over, and allow Navy to come back in a shootout, 74-62. (The two teams combined scored 63 points in the second quarter alone- impressive only in its indication of two very weak defenses.)

Notre Dame maintains its position to take Utah State's place, should Utah State manage to defeat Idaho when the time comes, by falling on its face against Air Force, 41-24. By a fun coincidence, Duke also lost today, 41-24, in their case against Georgia Tech. The two teams meet next week; the winner drops out of Stupor Bowl contention.

The Blundering Herd of Marshall did anything but blunder today, hammering East Carolina 26-7, saving themselves from Stupor Bowl infamy. Northern Illinois also manages to evade the Stupor Bowl, winning today against Kent State, 27-20. SMU made a valiant bid to do likewise, but they allowed Rice to come back in the fourth quarter, losing 43-42; the Mustangs remain in the hunt.

Finally, in the also-rans, Minnesota narrowly lost to Iowa 21-16, and Colorado State fought to the wire but failed to upend New Mexico, 26-23. Technically they're still eligible, but the other teams have to get a lot better to make these teams look worse.

So, here's the revised Stupor Bowl situation:

Barring an unexpected victory before December 1, the loser of the North Texas - Florida International game gets a spot in the Stupor Bowl.

If Utah State loses against Idaho- and even if it wins its other remaining game- it secures the other spot. If Utah State wins against Idaho, however, Notre Dame takes the other spot- presuming, of course, it doesn't win any more games either.

In case of unexpected wins, the other runners for Stupor Bowl bids currently run in this order:

SMU
Duke
Colorado State
Minnesota

Join us next week for Duke at Notre Dame, both teams' last realistic chance to get off the Stupor Bowl list... and probably a good example of what a Stupor Bowl looks like in real life...

First, quick URL: click here to find the six Dem Senators who supported Mukasey, plus mention of the five AWOL Presidential candidates.

Second... I've let this go the past couple years, but Notre Dame's abysmal performance this year in college football has inspired me to revive the Stupor Bowl, the hypothetical chance for the two worst teams in NCAA Division I football to gain one last bit of redemption at the end of the year.

( Stupor Bowl rules... )

Here's a list of the current candidates, from least to most worthy:

( A quick rundown of the contenders )
So, the big games to watch for Stupor Bowlery...

Notre Dame v. Duke, Nov. 17, 2:30 PM EST
North Texas at Florida Int'l, Dec. 1, 7:00 PM EST
Utah State v. Idaho, Nov. 24, 5:00 PM EST

How the competition stacks up:

Provided they lose all their other games, the loser of the North Texas - Florida Int'l game is in the Stupor Bowl.

If Utah State loses v. Idaho and at least one other game of its three remaining, it takes the other spot. If Utah State beats Idaho, neither Utah State nor Idaho gets named to the Stupor Bowl; the spot instead goes to Notre Dame, if they (as expected) lose out.

After that, the ranking of badness to get a Stupor Bowl bid is:

SMU
Marshall
Colorado State
Duke
Northern Illinois
Minnesota

Now let's watch tomorrow's games and see if anybody claws their way out of competition for the dubious honor of... STUPOR BOWL 5!

After watching the second half of the Orange Bowl (Penn State v. Florida State)...

...

...

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... I don't think I need to write up the fictional Stupor Bowl (Temple v. New Mexico State) tomorrow.

These guys were RRRRRREADY TO CCCRRRRRRRUMMMMBLLLLLLE....

Amazing, isn't it- we're closing in on the halfway point of the 2005 college football season already. Seems like just yesterday the first chill of autumn was creeping in...

... oh wait, it WAS just yesterday.

Anyway, with no less than four games under the belts of each college team, it's time to begin watching and evaluating my picks for the 2006 Stupor Bowl- the imaginary bowl game for the two absolute WORST football teams in NCAA Division I-A.

( Behind this cut lurk five truly stinky sports teams... )
Which is one reason why I'd like to abolish the entire school conference system in favor of a completely open playoff system... but that's something to discuss another time.